My liver just broke up with me...
Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
The 19 Strangest Things People Use To Get Off
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
These 25 Normal Couples Tried Porn Moves During Sex And It Ended Horribly
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.