Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
25 People Confess The Biggest Betrayal They Have Ever Faced
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
25 Odd Things These Pathetic People Do For Enjoyment
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Let's get the cat blown out
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.