Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
So I said to her: one time i broke my dick and when they took off the cast i could cum across a baseball field
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
