just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
Randomize
