you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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