he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
you should have heard her the other night. no sentence related to one preceding it. it was like she was in etch a sketch and when she moved she forgot everythin
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Give me the sexing that I truly desire and I will reveal to you the mysterious location of the PBR's
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
