Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
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