The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Nobody is stopping the marines from drinking in class on veterans day. They literally brought a cooler with a bottle of whiskey and vodka on ice. And are passing out red cups to anyone interested. Staying in Vegas for college has officialy become an A+ decision
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
Lube is flammable
Who is this??
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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