Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
So not only did you shoot down my invitation and prob walked past my house but now ur excluding me from a wet t shirt contest which btw i totally would have won
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
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