yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
I was screaming out for people to gather the townsmen and the mayor so we could hang him
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Just pee around me
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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