the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Last night I realized my life is an experiment of really bad decisions when I had to leave without my underwear. But at least I'm expanding my life experience.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
