just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
