You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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