i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
dude. I can hear the air.
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
