That's what you get when you play shuffleboard drunk.
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
