you dont have to exercise, you threw up last night!
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
