Fine. I'll sleep in my office
Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
Randomize
