If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
Randomize
