he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
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