Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
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