my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
this chick on a show just showed her boobs and let some guy paint them others asked why she did it and her reply i quote "i was bored" why dont chicks get bored more often
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
organizing the empties. That sober.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
