Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
So much rum. So many feels.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I wish I could say this wasn't the first time I shit myself in a Piggly Wiggly.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
