Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
Randomize
