There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
we are cooking lunchables pizzas on a fire pit.
I just made a friends list on fb of all the guys ive hooked up with. genius.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
