i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
Is it sad that I find it completely normal that I just took batteries out of a vibrator to put them in a pencil sharpener so I could do homework?
I find this completely acceptable.
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Just woke up in his bed wearing only his shoes. I don't know how to gently say hey dude get the fuck up and take me home....regardless these are some nice shoes.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
As if I wouldn't steal Nintendo brand "Mario is my HOMEBOY!" boxers when he gave me the entire drawer to choose from.
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
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