are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
