I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
my vagina is starting to think like a penis, and I'm not even slightly worried
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Randomize
