I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
