Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
have the fact that the early bird is danced upon by the prettiest strippers be your motivation
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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