haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Randomize
