This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
Randomize
