I'll forget this but out at 4am with a lesbian model at lil waynes bday party for the record
I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
And my awkwardness continues. I felt the need to send him a text that said roar. I did it.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Put down the Captain Crunch and get over here. It’s a dickfest!!
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