My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i think i was tempted to text while we were making out. like i remember holding my phone up behind his head and just staring at it.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
I looked like a tiger in heat. He didn't know if I wanted to fuck him or eat him.
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
Randomize
