I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
Randomize
