worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
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