Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
So feel off my bed lastnight into the trashcan. On the plus side i thought under my bed was a cave and i went exsploring
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
