I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
it was like his penis was on wheels.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
lesson learned.. dressing up like a naughty teacher doesn't mean you can get away with spanking a cop with a ruler for being "fresh" with you
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
