Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!
I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
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