At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
