Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I'm pregaming with America's Best Dance Crew.
Do a shot everytime Lil' Mama mispronounces a word.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
