why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
never play flip cup with pint glasses
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Just warning you the last time I had captain Morgan I gave a blow job to a guy that looked like Jesus.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
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