Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
You know what else? He didn't even get to see my butt. And my butt is really cute. Car sex is awful.
He had a clap on lamp. So every time he was ramming into me, the lights kept turning on and off
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
