Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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