those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
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