She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
fucked him on the porch to avoid the chanting that always happens when we leave the bedroom. backfired when a group of freshman walked by and started screaming like fucking babies.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
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