I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
You guys seriously fuck to bieber? That's embarrassing...
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Randomize
