Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.
That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
Why is my belly button ring in my ear
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