It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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