; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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