I'll collect that couch/porn sloopy beedge tomorrow just FYI
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
Randomize
