Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
she told me i tasted like america
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
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It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
I accepted my type is not "conventionally attractive" when she asked me "Him? Are you sure?" 5 times in front of him last night
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