It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
