The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
i wish i could watch tv and lissten to music at the same time...but still understand both
i think otters can do that
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
