I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
So question... If I'm sexting with uncircumcised guy, do I have to add *then i gently pull your foreskin down*?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
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