the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
Either way, we will celebrate half Christmas the only way we can. Completely and irresponsibly wasted.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
